Riche.

Listening: It's No Secret - Nevertheless

What do you get the girl who has everything, who has all of it but wants none of it? I am a perfect example of "money can't buy happiness." I'm not happy. Big shock. As I think about what I want for Christmas there's not anything that I don't have or that I don't know that I'll have eventually. There's is nothing in this world that will satisfy me. There's nothing I can ask for, nothing I can tell my friends when they as what I want. And some of them probably won't give me gifts. Sure I'd like it, I'd like to be the one to recieve the love and thought and care for once instead of the one giving it. When will they realized that its always about the gesture not the gift. Well the gift does matter but only a fraction. Still nothing in this world can satisfy me.

Perhaps not even my current dream of going to Stanford will fulfill me. It's the perfect image, sitting on campus or driving down to USC once and a while to visit my friend. It doesn't seem all that bad, going to UT and sharing that apartment my friend said we'd once have if we both went there for college.

I don't really understand why everyone is so hung up on love. That it's the only thing that they want. You all desire love. You can't lie to me. Always trying to cover up your wounds with another love, only to create more rips in your hearts seams and shattering it in the end. When is the pain ever going to be enough? Each time you give a part of your heart to the person you love. What happens when you run out of parts to give? If you've found the one shouldn't you give them your all?

Maybe I'm just bitter. That it didn't work out for me. Or maybe I'm the realist in this situation. Love is all that it's cracked up to be. But with 50% of America getting divorces that doesn't really make love look any better. What happened to "'till death do us part?" Does half of America not mean what they say?

I go back and forward, regretting and resenting everything, and accepting that it happened that it's a part of me now and that it's made me grow.

I've got to say, it's a pretty lonely world here. I make it hard for myself to open up and talk about the deep stuff to my friends wno know will judge me or who won't be helpful. It's hard knowing that friends who where there for you once aren't anymore, that the ones who you'd cry to pass you up now for their love.

Everyday in my head I'm thinking calm down, you're making a fool of yourself, don't do something stupid you're wasting my time, this is a waste of my time, be responsible you did it, and my favorite grow up. Day in and day out I'm could fall asleep in my classes, not because I'm tired but because I'm uninterested, because I could "learn" or even teach myself in half the time it took you to explain it and then explain it again to the students who still don't understand.

Where's my rescue in my indifference?

Sincerely,
Michelle