I Did It Again

I'm so stressed out right now. I found out that weekend what was supposed to be fun is now bittersweet, mostly bitter. I had promised myself last year that I would do 30 Hour Famine since last year my mom had convinced me not to. I hate that, when my mom convinces me not to do something I want to do and I regret it. I resent her for it, all the time. And now I can't do it again. I signed myself for an art competition, under pressure from my teacher, that I kind of wanted to do but I knew it would stress me out. And then my mom's choir party is the same day. She is stressed out herself but she volunteered. She did.

I did it again.

Bitterly,
Michelle

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Edit.

So it turns out they were on the same day but in different months. How nice.

Letting Go

Listening: Easy - Ne-Yo

I think I'm finally done being mad. I'm done being mad at you. I think I've come to the point where it's pretty useless to try with you anymore. I've given up. It's been three years, can you believe it? I'll miss everything definitely, everything about you and things we did together. But you told me to find out what's next for me and to pursue it. I still haven't found it yet but I'm still getting there. I hope you have a happy life, that you get everything that you want and more. I'm sorry for the both of us that I feel that I can't be apart of it. It's just that the situation now looks and feels like we're on different roads, heading in the same direction but taking different routes. I wonder if we'll meet in the end.

Farewell,
Michelle

P.S. This is actually another part of the post but I felt weird it being all sad then happy and then sad again with the farewell. Haha. On a lighter note I am so stoked for Warped Tour '10! I hope I get to go. I've had Bryce Avery's songs on repeat for the last week and I really want to pre-order his Of Men and Angels CD but I'm not sure yet... Finals week went well! Of course, besides this one teacher... I am stressing over those 2 points that the final dropped my SEMESTER AVERAGE. I feel like I should try to make it up but I'm not sure if I have the will power or ability to. Anyways, hope your MLK day was good!

TENNIS TOURNAMENTS START THIS WEEK. LET THE 4 DAY WEEKS BEGIN

Why Am I the Rule and She is the Exception?

Have you ever wondered why some people are the exception to the rule? Why you aren't the exception to the rule? What makes them so special? So special that they are the exception?

I feel like I'm living my life in one of the most cliche ways, so predictable. I feel like I have to obey the rules of society. I don't really mind but I sometimes wonder if I could be so much more. Potential.

I still have to figure out some New Year's resolutions, goals of definite measurable proportions. Is it better to set high goals and then be disappointed when you don't achieve them or to set realistic goals and then just be blasé? I wrote a letter to myself this summer, right before school started. It was filled with goals and ideas, fresh from my summer experiences. I wonder if I have meet any of the goals I set. But then again, I kind of know that I wrote the letter with no real motivation or intention, I kind of felt like I had to write one just in case I became excited about it once I forgot it. But I haven't forgotten about it so I'm still indifferent.

Sincerely,
Michelle

You're an Idiot (Just Being Honest)

Listening: Heartless (Cover) - The Fray

Haha. I'm just kind of confused and mad. This one person is so confusing and I don't know if they are worth the trouble anymore. Time wasted, effort useless.

I have been fueling my love for Starbucks coffee and drinks. White Chocolate Mocha, oh how fattening you are but oh so delicious.

I've been driving quite a bit, I find it to be pretty relaxing, except when my mom is telling me to slow down too early. |:

I'm quite ready for winter to be over. I don't really enjoy having cold feet or hands. But it might be just because I'm looking forward to getting my license! And perhaps I might get an iPhone (:

Nothing much again this time.

Hopeful,
Michelle

I feel like whenever things are going well I always lack words to write.

Yesterday was an amazing day. This week I haven't had much work so I've been able to gather myself after my breakdown on Monday. I talked to Grace for the first time in what seems to be forever. I miss her so much, she's been my support and my mentor for as long as I can remember.

No words are coming to me but maybe later?

Sincerely,
Michelle

You Don't Understand

I look back on how we used to be such good friends, how we'd look out for each other and listen. How you'd always be there for me and I'd always be there for you. No matter what. What happened? I look back and remember all those things that we used to say to each other to keep us intact. How we used to be such good friends, I don't understand how we got where we're at. It all went down hill from some certain point. It's almost been two years. Two years since I've felt close to you. Just a few weeks ago we had talked and I thought we had everything figured out, that we'd go back to what we used to be. But when I look at the words we've said we didn't even ask, what went wrong, why are we like this, where are we now? I didn't ask some of the most important questions. The blame shant go on you even though we're both to blame.

I am jealous. I am jealous of all the new friends you've surrounded yourself with. All the friends you talk to now. But I know, you're not the same, you're not happy still. Neither am I. I've surrounded myself with friends just as you have, to keep me busy, to keep my mind off of the sentiments which I don't want to think about. I fill my schedule to distract myself from all the fun that you're having.

I wish I knew where we are at, what went wrong. Are we friends or simply acquaintances? Am I putting effort into a lost cause? I don't know, your emotions are locked up inside of you and I can't get a word out. Have you moved on?


So today I went back, searching for my resolutions for '09 and failed to find them. This year has been a blur, of pain and happiness. Some of the best moments I've had in my life have happened this year and I find that I an unable to enjoy them and remember them because of my numb mind. I'm not saying goodbye 2009, I am simply saying until I can remember you better (:

Love,
Michelle

Many Thanks

My winter break has been pretty amazing. I started it off by painting pottery with the girls, Shaina, Gemma, Theanne, Alex. Saturday I hung out with the old d-group, going to the Beacon and going to someone's house to bake cookies and play card games, Christine, Grace, Christina F., Rachel, Cindy. Then at night I hung out with people I haven't seen in a long time and taking a spontaneous trip to get froyo and look at christmas lights, and I took a walk around the lake with my sister and talked about life, Steven, Edward, Christina W. Then next few days were pretty amazing but also slightly empty. I finally got some kind of closure for once. I was able to have fun and become closer to people again, Sharon, Shelby, Rachel. I hung out with some of my most favorite people, Christine, Isaiah, Valerie. I became friends with new people, Stephen, Yousup. I was able to see one of the most influential people in my life again, Stan. Thanks to Jon, David, Susan, and Megan for making my time amazing as well. I watched the sun rise three times and just marveled in its splendor. I feel changed but unchanged. I learned and experienced alot. But for some reason I've become lost again.

I'm having fun trying to make it all work out.

Merry Belated Christmas.

Love,
Michelle