Dream Apartment for UT

I'm excited for the things that are going to be coming up in the next couple months. I can't wait to get my college admissions done with and just be anxious about acceptances.

(Un)Fortunately, one of my teachers is making us apply for scholarships so we have some money in our pocket for the next wallet-exploding months. I found this one scholarship on Vacancy.com and it seems simple/easy enough. Also doing this scholarship has made me thinking about what my living situation next year will actually be like. My house right now seems huge, even though when I was younger it didn't seem big enough! I couldn't get enough privacy and now that my brother is out of the house (for the most part) and my parents are getting older, it seems so quiet and hollow in this house.

I know that many of my friends plan on going to UT and my brother already goes there. UT is definitely on my list, mostly because I know that I'd have friends there or some kind of base there where I don't feel like a nobody or lost all the time. UT is a huge campus and I've seen my brother's dorm; it's like twice the size of my room now with two single beds and two desks. I take that back; it's smaller than my room now. It looks so depressing, almost like a jail sometimes.

But maybe if my parents let me or if I find a job I can live at one of the better dorms or maybe even at this place, Dobie Center. I know some people who live there already and they seem to love it.

And wow, the Dobie apartments look amazing compared to what I’ve seen of the dorms on the UT campus. What’s truly great about Dobie is that it’s right across from campus, walking/biking distance which makes it so convenient to live off campus. I’d actually feel like an adult if I lived there, my own room which can be decorated my own way and choose my own roommate. Plus there is free cable/internet and housekeeping! Housekeeping sounds great because I’m not a very clean person as most people know. Also there are athletic amenities like a pool and volleyball court for when I feel like blowing off some steam or stress from studying. Truly, this place seems more like a hotel than an apartment.

Since it's just off campus, I'll get all the privacy I'll need, hopefully. I can be around school friends or not and I can study in peace!

If I go to UT, I'll definitely be considering this place.

I’m not judging you… but I definitely have an opinion.

This summer has been incredibly good to me. I haven’t had many expectations of it; so I have yet to be let down. This brings up a point. Do expectations crush dreams? Or do unrealistic dreams ultimately destroy themselves? I’ve always had expectations of D-Camp and Impact. I always think, When I get there I’m going to do this, this, and this, hang out with her, him, and them, reconnect. And yet when I’ve come home the past couple times I’ve felt unfulfilled. It’s my purpose that is wrong and my intention.

I’ve been avidly watching the World Cup. TEAM USA. Soccer isn’t as boring as I thought it would be. It cool knowing that thousands of fans from around the world have all gathered in South Africa to cheer on their team, that the world is unified by this sport. It annoys me that we’re the only country that calls the sport soccer. I always enjoy watching the World Cup in the morning when I wake up. I’m still waking up early, like about 8 or 9. Not very summer-esque.

TestMasters has been quite enlightening. It has thoroughly improved some things. And most of my teachers and have been some sort of amusing. Although some not... (insert frustration).

I am slightly excited for my family trip to China. To be away from the American Lifestyle and to absorb myself into a different culture. I hope the Shanghai World Expo is interesting, that’s one of the things I’m most excited for. Also I’m anticipating a very exciting flight over to China, considering that me and two of my best friends are going over on the same flight. It’ll be a blast, I hope.

I’ve been hanging with people excessively, and it’s been amazing. Mostly Shaina and Pragati. Gossip Girl with Shaina and savoring every moment I have left with Pragati. Oh, must she go to TAMS?

Sincerely,

Michelle

Things that have happen and are of significance:

• Art & World History AP Testing
• NHS induction
• Mother's Day
• Diamond Spring Show
• MST Meetings

Things that are to happen:

• Tennis Banquet
• Senior Banquet
• Senior Choir Day
• Allison's Birthday Party
• StuCo dinner @ Red Robin
• Matt coming home

Things happening these days seem to be really insignificant. They are dull and lifeless, boring and monotonous. Unnecessary and drawn out.

The truth hurts. But it is what it is. You can't change it. But there is a fine line of what needs to be said and what doesn't. I think I would rather have it said.

Driving is fun. Driving people is a chore.

Summer is complicated.

Seniors graduating. Tragic. Will miss their maturity and someone to look up to.

Lifelessly,
Michelle

I am constantly going in and out of states of contentment. I like the way my life is. I don't like the way my life is. My friends are amazing. My friends are lacking. I'm pushing myself too hard. It's just not enough. When do you know when life is perfect and you are content? Is life ever going to be enough. Should we settle for being just content?

It's Not Fair

Listening: Wordkill - Epik High

People really need to just keep out of other people's business. I'll admit, sometimes I can get a little curious and carried away, but I know how to stop. I know when enough is enough. I've told secrets, but nothing that would ever ruin someone's life.

Some people just exhaust me. They make me want to shut my eyes and close off all my senses. Which would be nice if I were actually trying to sleep, as I am having issues with sleeping lately. Perhaps my insomnia is back? Or maybe I'm just not exhausting myself enough.

It's not fair that my family is able to invest and spend. I'm spoiled, over and over again. My family can afford to buy a new car, send the family to China, send me to school, without any worry. And yet, my friends are unable to afford things like new tennis rackets, new clothes, lunch. I really don't realize how good I've got it sometimes. But should I feel guilty for being well off?

So happy Spring Break everyone. Happy St. Pat's.

Sincerely,
Michelle

P.S. Amazing drama, The Woman Who Still Wants to Marry, with my possibly favorite actor Kim Bum.

Cowards

We're all cowards. Some are afraid to say what they really mean. Some are afraid to chase their dream. But what is it that's holding us back? Fear can control our lives without our knowing.

I find it interesting that I when I watch TV, when someone is crying or incredibly happy, I become emotional for them. It's because their expression looks so geniuine, so real unlike this fascade of indifference I express.

And I'm still wondering what makes her so special?

It's Been A While

Listening: Of Men and Angels - The Rocket Summer

It's been a long time. Hello my blog. Actually, it's been so long that I forgot my password and username combo.

So one month and two days. I don't even understand why I'm really counting. I'm not going to do anything special.

Something I really don't like is when people try to stand out for the sake of being different, people who crave attention. Also, along with attention whres there are the boring people, practically opposites. I feel like people get boring really fast and after that person isn't interesting anymore I feel as if I have to move onto the next person. Sounds bad, throwing people away, perhaps I'll start to recycle them.

I miss the Olympics incredibly. I will especially miss Apolo Ohno, whether he retires or not by Sochi 2014. I'm watching out for Mirai Nagasu, JR Celski (insert squeel), Simon Cho, and Shaun White next time. I can't wait. But at least I'll have London 2012 to keep me entertained! Plus I might actually go see the 2012 Olympics. Thank youuuu Senior Trip! Although, snowboarding with Anica wouldn't be too bad either.

School is going fairly well. Everyday though I feel as if I need to try harder, but in reality I still don't have the desire to try harder. I'm not looking far enough into the future of how my grades will affect my future.

There's a long night ahead of me.

Sincerely,

Michelle

I Did It Again

I'm so stressed out right now. I found out that weekend what was supposed to be fun is now bittersweet, mostly bitter. I had promised myself last year that I would do 30 Hour Famine since last year my mom had convinced me not to. I hate that, when my mom convinces me not to do something I want to do and I regret it. I resent her for it, all the time. And now I can't do it again. I signed myself for an art competition, under pressure from my teacher, that I kind of wanted to do but I knew it would stress me out. And then my mom's choir party is the same day. She is stressed out herself but she volunteered. She did.

I did it again.

Bitterly,
Michelle

---

Edit.

So it turns out they were on the same day but in different months. How nice.

Letting Go

Listening: Easy - Ne-Yo

I think I'm finally done being mad. I'm done being mad at you. I think I've come to the point where it's pretty useless to try with you anymore. I've given up. It's been three years, can you believe it? I'll miss everything definitely, everything about you and things we did together. But you told me to find out what's next for me and to pursue it. I still haven't found it yet but I'm still getting there. I hope you have a happy life, that you get everything that you want and more. I'm sorry for the both of us that I feel that I can't be apart of it. It's just that the situation now looks and feels like we're on different roads, heading in the same direction but taking different routes. I wonder if we'll meet in the end.

Farewell,
Michelle

P.S. This is actually another part of the post but I felt weird it being all sad then happy and then sad again with the farewell. Haha. On a lighter note I am so stoked for Warped Tour '10! I hope I get to go. I've had Bryce Avery's songs on repeat for the last week and I really want to pre-order his Of Men and Angels CD but I'm not sure yet... Finals week went well! Of course, besides this one teacher... I am stressing over those 2 points that the final dropped my SEMESTER AVERAGE. I feel like I should try to make it up but I'm not sure if I have the will power or ability to. Anyways, hope your MLK day was good!

TENNIS TOURNAMENTS START THIS WEEK. LET THE 4 DAY WEEKS BEGIN

Why Am I the Rule and She is the Exception?

Have you ever wondered why some people are the exception to the rule? Why you aren't the exception to the rule? What makes them so special? So special that they are the exception?

I feel like I'm living my life in one of the most cliche ways, so predictable. I feel like I have to obey the rules of society. I don't really mind but I sometimes wonder if I could be so much more. Potential.

I still have to figure out some New Year's resolutions, goals of definite measurable proportions. Is it better to set high goals and then be disappointed when you don't achieve them or to set realistic goals and then just be blasé? I wrote a letter to myself this summer, right before school started. It was filled with goals and ideas, fresh from my summer experiences. I wonder if I have meet any of the goals I set. But then again, I kind of know that I wrote the letter with no real motivation or intention, I kind of felt like I had to write one just in case I became excited about it once I forgot it. But I haven't forgotten about it so I'm still indifferent.

Sincerely,
Michelle

You're an Idiot (Just Being Honest)

Listening: Heartless (Cover) - The Fray

Haha. I'm just kind of confused and mad. This one person is so confusing and I don't know if they are worth the trouble anymore. Time wasted, effort useless.

I have been fueling my love for Starbucks coffee and drinks. White Chocolate Mocha, oh how fattening you are but oh so delicious.

I've been driving quite a bit, I find it to be pretty relaxing, except when my mom is telling me to slow down too early. |:

I'm quite ready for winter to be over. I don't really enjoy having cold feet or hands. But it might be just because I'm looking forward to getting my license! And perhaps I might get an iPhone (:

Nothing much again this time.

Hopeful,
Michelle

I feel like whenever things are going well I always lack words to write.

Yesterday was an amazing day. This week I haven't had much work so I've been able to gather myself after my breakdown on Monday. I talked to Grace for the first time in what seems to be forever. I miss her so much, she's been my support and my mentor for as long as I can remember.

No words are coming to me but maybe later?

Sincerely,
Michelle

You Don't Understand

I look back on how we used to be such good friends, how we'd look out for each other and listen. How you'd always be there for me and I'd always be there for you. No matter what. What happened? I look back and remember all those things that we used to say to each other to keep us intact. How we used to be such good friends, I don't understand how we got where we're at. It all went down hill from some certain point. It's almost been two years. Two years since I've felt close to you. Just a few weeks ago we had talked and I thought we had everything figured out, that we'd go back to what we used to be. But when I look at the words we've said we didn't even ask, what went wrong, why are we like this, where are we now? I didn't ask some of the most important questions. The blame shant go on you even though we're both to blame.

I am jealous. I am jealous of all the new friends you've surrounded yourself with. All the friends you talk to now. But I know, you're not the same, you're not happy still. Neither am I. I've surrounded myself with friends just as you have, to keep me busy, to keep my mind off of the sentiments which I don't want to think about. I fill my schedule to distract myself from all the fun that you're having.

I wish I knew where we are at, what went wrong. Are we friends or simply acquaintances? Am I putting effort into a lost cause? I don't know, your emotions are locked up inside of you and I can't get a word out. Have you moved on?


So today I went back, searching for my resolutions for '09 and failed to find them. This year has been a blur, of pain and happiness. Some of the best moments I've had in my life have happened this year and I find that I an unable to enjoy them and remember them because of my numb mind. I'm not saying goodbye 2009, I am simply saying until I can remember you better (:

Love,
Michelle

Many Thanks

My winter break has been pretty amazing. I started it off by painting pottery with the girls, Shaina, Gemma, Theanne, Alex. Saturday I hung out with the old d-group, going to the Beacon and going to someone's house to bake cookies and play card games, Christine, Grace, Christina F., Rachel, Cindy. Then at night I hung out with people I haven't seen in a long time and taking a spontaneous trip to get froyo and look at christmas lights, and I took a walk around the lake with my sister and talked about life, Steven, Edward, Christina W. Then next few days were pretty amazing but also slightly empty. I finally got some kind of closure for once. I was able to have fun and become closer to people again, Sharon, Shelby, Rachel. I hung out with some of my most favorite people, Christine, Isaiah, Valerie. I became friends with new people, Stephen, Yousup. I was able to see one of the most influential people in my life again, Stan. Thanks to Jon, David, Susan, and Megan for making my time amazing as well. I watched the sun rise three times and just marveled in its splendor. I feel changed but unchanged. I learned and experienced alot. But for some reason I've become lost again.

I'm having fun trying to make it all work out.

Merry Belated Christmas.

Love,
Michelle

I'm going places in hopes of leaving it all behind.

Riche.

Listening: It's No Secret - Nevertheless

What do you get the girl who has everything, who has all of it but wants none of it? I am a perfect example of "money can't buy happiness." I'm not happy. Big shock. As I think about what I want for Christmas there's not anything that I don't have or that I don't know that I'll have eventually. There's is nothing in this world that will satisfy me. There's nothing I can ask for, nothing I can tell my friends when they as what I want. And some of them probably won't give me gifts. Sure I'd like it, I'd like to be the one to recieve the love and thought and care for once instead of the one giving it. When will they realized that its always about the gesture not the gift. Well the gift does matter but only a fraction. Still nothing in this world can satisfy me.

Perhaps not even my current dream of going to Stanford will fulfill me. It's the perfect image, sitting on campus or driving down to USC once and a while to visit my friend. It doesn't seem all that bad, going to UT and sharing that apartment my friend said we'd once have if we both went there for college.

I don't really understand why everyone is so hung up on love. That it's the only thing that they want. You all desire love. You can't lie to me. Always trying to cover up your wounds with another love, only to create more rips in your hearts seams and shattering it in the end. When is the pain ever going to be enough? Each time you give a part of your heart to the person you love. What happens when you run out of parts to give? If you've found the one shouldn't you give them your all?

Maybe I'm just bitter. That it didn't work out for me. Or maybe I'm the realist in this situation. Love is all that it's cracked up to be. But with 50% of America getting divorces that doesn't really make love look any better. What happened to "'till death do us part?" Does half of America not mean what they say?

I go back and forward, regretting and resenting everything, and accepting that it happened that it's a part of me now and that it's made me grow.

I've got to say, it's a pretty lonely world here. I make it hard for myself to open up and talk about the deep stuff to my friends wno know will judge me or who won't be helpful. It's hard knowing that friends who where there for you once aren't anymore, that the ones who you'd cry to pass you up now for their love.

Everyday in my head I'm thinking calm down, you're making a fool of yourself, don't do something stupid you're wasting my time, this is a waste of my time, be responsible you did it, and my favorite grow up. Day in and day out I'm could fall asleep in my classes, not because I'm tired but because I'm uninterested, because I could "learn" or even teach myself in half the time it took you to explain it and then explain it again to the students who still don't understand.

Where's my rescue in my indifference?

Sincerely,
Michelle

So little girl,
It's time to grow up.
Take your dreams and wishes
And throw them away.
You're facing reality now.
Eyes so full of hope and joy,
I'm sorry to abandon you.
But don't feel sorry for me sir,
For I pity you,
You who has not seen love.

It's time to take on a new dream.
Grab your bags 'cos it's time to go.
Better yourself for the journey ahead,
The fragile road, pure and white
Glistens to take you to a place better
Better than anyone has ever seen.
So there's nothing left to do but ask,
What's next?

Are You Ready For A Collision?

Collision - Tim Be Told

I am sailing on the sea of life with no lighthouse ahead
I am on two boats with one foot in each one I stand
They are drifting farther losing balance I am sinking
Can I hold this façade?

And here I am you're thinking I'm the object of perfection
I live this easy life and I have no anxiety
External looks and first impressions can be so deceiving
Do you see my façade?

This my life and I am drowning
Can I keep two worlds apart?
Should I brave for a collision?
Don't see me more than what I am

I am standing on the mountain of uncertainty
Should I take this leap of faith and pray I'll stay in one piece
I am so confused I am alone I don't know where I'm going
Do you see my façade?

And there you are thinking I have no important problems
That my decisions are just issues of conformity
But if you look a little deeper in my situation
There's so much you don't see

This is my life and I am falling
Can I find some solid ground?
Should I brace for a collision?
Don't see me more than what I am

This is my life and you don't know me
There's only one side you've seen
Anticipating this collision
I'm so much more than what I seem
this is my life and I am changing
The future isn't clear to me
Are you ready for this collision?
I'm so much more than what I am

Resentment; Regret.

These days it's all about the money.

Independent, Selfish, Successful, Single. That's me.

I'm cold and I understand that. I'm heartless because hey, that's how I am.

But I hope for you who it's not too late for. You need to love while you're young, and get hurt enough to love again. That's how you know your heart is working.

It's gone for me and I'm fine with that.

Sincerely,
Michelle

So everything is going pretty well lately. I'm quite indifferent though. Nothing's as exciting or new as it once was, lacking in thrill.

Sincerely,
Michelle