So, I leave for the airport in less than half an hour, great. . . I'm excited for vacation though, excited to get away from this freaking hot weather. Probably when I get back I'll be in a sleeping coma! (: I'll be alive on Tuesday but then I'm going to camp on Wednesday. Then once I get back from camp I will be in another sleeping coma. :U And then tennis starts, 7 a.m. brighttt and early. So it's pretty safe to say I'll be gone pretty much for the rest of July and I have to start summer homework in August. -cough- /procrastinate.

Miss You All! <3

Crane Count: 485/1000

Peace Out,
Michelle

Good Morning

Finished Reading: Marcelo in the Real World - Francisco Stork

It's quite interesting writing these posts, there area always so many things that I want to write that I forget alot of the things. It's kind of like a puzzle and a race, a race to write down my thoughts as quickly as possible but a puzzle to make them all fit together and feel complete.

Today I woke up at 5:45 a.m. exactly. And when I couldn't go to sleep I ended up finishing my book that I was reading. Whilst reading I could hear my parents getting ready to leave for work. It was kind of amazing watching the sun grow brighter for the first time since school ended. Anyways, so I read my book and there were many points that it made and it was a good book I must say, but what the book was about wasn't really important in the end. Why I read, why I sleep are kind of connected in a way. I do both because I don't want to think my own thoughts because it's boring or it's too difficult and scary to. But then again sometimes I am afraid of sleeping because of old memories that I see or things that I dream that I believe to be reality. This may not make sense to you and I apologize.

I like being awake but I also like to sleep. But isn't there always a slight preference? Which one do I like more? Some may say sometimes they prefer things equally but sometimes I believe that as a person, you will always like something better than the other for various reasons. Just something to think about.

So I'm leaving and I'm starting to have traveler's butterflies as I always do when I go someplace new. I find that whenever I am about to leave I always like home more. I should always like home though, shouldn't I? But this home is not my home. I feel sometimes that I have found my place and know where my home is but at times I feel like I am not a part of home, like it is almost a distant place.

And I know that this was a very lame entry, so sorry. (: To go back to sleep or to stay awake is now the question.

Like Count: 9

Crane Count: 460/1000

Sincerely,
Michelle

Stuck In the Sea of Sameness

Listening: Fix You - Coldplay

I'm the puppet on your hand.
I'm the string that comes unwound.

I feel so empty and lost. Everything is dark and nothing makes sense. Psychobabbling. What's right and what's wrong? What's up and what's down? I can't find stable ground, no where to plant my feet. I am coming undone.

This sucks. This sucks that I don't know what's next.

I am procrastinating on all my work even though I know I'm going to be busy as hell after this week. The parts of my lives aren't in balance with each other. My relationships with people aren't stable. It just feel like with the drop of a coin everything could fall apart. Nothing's quite right but it's not all wrong either. How does that make sense? In reverse.

I want to run away from this life of uncertainty and find a place of belonging. Here I am. Fragile. Waiting. I stand. I wish for control, to be free from the world as my puppeteer and myself. Sometimes I feel forced and confined into this role I feel forced to play, but I also feel free, too free, unable to pick a path that is laid out, neat, and exact, unable to just choose what it is that I want. How can I be free of the unknown and not be lifeless?

Psychotically Yours,
Michelle

Don't you just hate it when people come over for a party and leave your house very messy?
Don't you just hate it when you crave a food that you cant have at the moment?

I am craving spaghetti right now and sushi. Oh geeze. Necessito. Too bad it's after 11 so its bad for my digestion ):

And now I'm craving ravioli/cheese, stupid dang Food Network.

Anyways, there this awesome friend I have, he made me smile today! When I was down today he was here for me so this therefore makes him awesome.

So I got out of summer school, it was a blast getting to know new people and play card games all day. But, now I am at home just wasting my life watching TV, playing on the computer, and eating. I love eating and that sucks. I don't like how I haven't started any of my summer homework. I'm going to be so stressed when I get back from vacation and from camp. Then after that I go straight into tennis. And I still have to start running my 2 miles. 2 miles, that makes me cry.

Summary: There was nothing profound in this post so you don't really have to read it, unless you are that guy who makes me smile.

Sincerely,
Michelle

P.S. Going to San Fran! 18 - 27 || Camp 29 - 1

Okay, these last two days have been pretty FML worthy. Possibly the two worst days of my summer. Ruining my fun. Way2go.

I'm tired of my parents assuming that things are always my fault. I'm tired of my parents always trying to show a lesson in every little mistake I make. I'm not sorry that it was an accident that I left a wrapper on the coffee table. I'm not sorry that I talk back to them trying to prove my point. I'm not sorry that my words are hurtful and are rude. I really don't care. I think I'm right and that's enough for me. Call me stubborn but I'll just laugh at you who can't justify yourselves.

My parents just presumed that I have the battery charger. I told them that I didn't and I tried looking for them. I gave up looking hoping that I'd find it sooner or later, but no, they just needed it today. I always have it when they don't need it. They always need it when I can't find it. 'Cause it's just always my fault. So then of course, they find it where it usually is and blame me that they couldn't find it. They just weren't looking hard enough. 'Cause it's just always my fault. They try to teach me to be responsible for the camera, but it's not even mine. Why am I supposed to be responsible for something that is shared? Why is it my fault that they didn't look hard enough? Why accuse me when someone else could have been the one to misplace it? They couldn't prove it was my fault so why did they keep trying to lecture me. How was I supposed to learn from this when I didn't do anything wrong? Why was I even supposed to care?

So I feel like all the progress I have made with my parents over the past few months is now going down the drain. I've been having insomnia and night terrors about the time my mom left me out in the rain for 2 hours. Every think about it I just tear up. It's so hard to think about at time when you felt that no one was there for you and that your own mother didn't even care. It was probably the loneliest time I have ever had to go through.

I can't talk about this anymore.

Indifferently,
Michelle

Stop the World

Right now my brain is so everywhere that I can't seem to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room and doing laundry and studying but I'm making this post.

Everything seems to be moving so fast right now. It's half way through the year and soon it will be my favorite time of the year, Christmas. I don't know why I look forward to Christmas so much, maybe it's all the smiling faces and warmth that everyone is glowing with even though the weather outside is frightful.

I'm still enjoying like and enjoying that I'm enjoying life. It's amazing what good friends and good mindset can do.

Well, Happy July everyone!

Crane Count: 217/1000

Sincerely,
Michelle