You Don't Understand

I look back on how we used to be such good friends, how we'd look out for each other and listen. How you'd always be there for me and I'd always be there for you. No matter what. What happened? I look back and remember all those things that we used to say to each other to keep us intact. How we used to be such good friends, I don't understand how we got where we're at. It all went down hill from some certain point. It's almost been two years. Two years since I've felt close to you. Just a few weeks ago we had talked and I thought we had everything figured out, that we'd go back to what we used to be. But when I look at the words we've said we didn't even ask, what went wrong, why are we like this, where are we now? I didn't ask some of the most important questions. The blame shant go on you even though we're both to blame.

I am jealous. I am jealous of all the new friends you've surrounded yourself with. All the friends you talk to now. But I know, you're not the same, you're not happy still. Neither am I. I've surrounded myself with friends just as you have, to keep me busy, to keep my mind off of the sentiments which I don't want to think about. I fill my schedule to distract myself from all the fun that you're having.

I wish I knew where we are at, what went wrong. Are we friends or simply acquaintances? Am I putting effort into a lost cause? I don't know, your emotions are locked up inside of you and I can't get a word out. Have you moved on?


So today I went back, searching for my resolutions for '09 and failed to find them. This year has been a blur, of pain and happiness. Some of the best moments I've had in my life have happened this year and I find that I an unable to enjoy them and remember them because of my numb mind. I'm not saying goodbye 2009, I am simply saying until I can remember you better (:

Love,
Michelle

Many Thanks

My winter break has been pretty amazing. I started it off by painting pottery with the girls, Shaina, Gemma, Theanne, Alex. Saturday I hung out with the old d-group, going to the Beacon and going to someone's house to bake cookies and play card games, Christine, Grace, Christina F., Rachel, Cindy. Then at night I hung out with people I haven't seen in a long time and taking a spontaneous trip to get froyo and look at christmas lights, and I took a walk around the lake with my sister and talked about life, Steven, Edward, Christina W. Then next few days were pretty amazing but also slightly empty. I finally got some kind of closure for once. I was able to have fun and become closer to people again, Sharon, Shelby, Rachel. I hung out with some of my most favorite people, Christine, Isaiah, Valerie. I became friends with new people, Stephen, Yousup. I was able to see one of the most influential people in my life again, Stan. Thanks to Jon, David, Susan, and Megan for making my time amazing as well. I watched the sun rise three times and just marveled in its splendor. I feel changed but unchanged. I learned and experienced alot. But for some reason I've become lost again.

I'm having fun trying to make it all work out.

Merry Belated Christmas.

Love,
Michelle

I'm going places in hopes of leaving it all behind.

Riche.

Listening: It's No Secret - Nevertheless

What do you get the girl who has everything, who has all of it but wants none of it? I am a perfect example of "money can't buy happiness." I'm not happy. Big shock. As I think about what I want for Christmas there's not anything that I don't have or that I don't know that I'll have eventually. There's is nothing in this world that will satisfy me. There's nothing I can ask for, nothing I can tell my friends when they as what I want. And some of them probably won't give me gifts. Sure I'd like it, I'd like to be the one to recieve the love and thought and care for once instead of the one giving it. When will they realized that its always about the gesture not the gift. Well the gift does matter but only a fraction. Still nothing in this world can satisfy me.

Perhaps not even my current dream of going to Stanford will fulfill me. It's the perfect image, sitting on campus or driving down to USC once and a while to visit my friend. It doesn't seem all that bad, going to UT and sharing that apartment my friend said we'd once have if we both went there for college.

I don't really understand why everyone is so hung up on love. That it's the only thing that they want. You all desire love. You can't lie to me. Always trying to cover up your wounds with another love, only to create more rips in your hearts seams and shattering it in the end. When is the pain ever going to be enough? Each time you give a part of your heart to the person you love. What happens when you run out of parts to give? If you've found the one shouldn't you give them your all?

Maybe I'm just bitter. That it didn't work out for me. Or maybe I'm the realist in this situation. Love is all that it's cracked up to be. But with 50% of America getting divorces that doesn't really make love look any better. What happened to "'till death do us part?" Does half of America not mean what they say?

I go back and forward, regretting and resenting everything, and accepting that it happened that it's a part of me now and that it's made me grow.

I've got to say, it's a pretty lonely world here. I make it hard for myself to open up and talk about the deep stuff to my friends wno know will judge me or who won't be helpful. It's hard knowing that friends who where there for you once aren't anymore, that the ones who you'd cry to pass you up now for their love.

Everyday in my head I'm thinking calm down, you're making a fool of yourself, don't do something stupid you're wasting my time, this is a waste of my time, be responsible you did it, and my favorite grow up. Day in and day out I'm could fall asleep in my classes, not because I'm tired but because I'm uninterested, because I could "learn" or even teach myself in half the time it took you to explain it and then explain it again to the students who still don't understand.

Where's my rescue in my indifference?

Sincerely,
Michelle